Tags: #autism #communication #masking
me
Brain, tell me — how do you actually listen? Sometimes you don't hear at all, sometimes too much, other times only fragments?
1️⃣ Ignoring
brain
Minimum energy, quick evacuation. Ms. Krystyna's perfume = overload. This looks like ignoring, but it's emergency survival mode. Otherwise short circuit and smoke.
me
So she sees lack of respect?
brain
Yes, and I do this intentionally for her sake. Because a meltdown in front of her would be even worse for her.
2️⃣ Fake Listening
brain
Masking deluxe. I nod, murmur mhmm. Inside screaming, but outside a calm mannequin.
me
But why not tell the truth?
brain
Because then there would be a lecture about upbringing. I'd rather burn internally than listen to „back in my day…”
3️⃣ Selective Listening
brain
I caught one sentence: „children should…”. The rest floated away in a Chanel No.5 cloud.
me
So the rest was cut out?
brain
Yes. Emergency filter. Only hooks, which will still haunt me later at night.
4️⃣ Attentive Listening
brain
This is where I feel best. I analyze every word, assemble a map of the conversation. But Ms. Krystyna looks and says: so cold, so without feelings.
me
Well, that's your favorite mode.
brain
Yes. Default. Pity the world prefers smiles and nodding instead of logic.
5️⃣ Empathic Listening
brain
This gets hardest. First I must analyze, filter out smell, sounds and chaos. Only then do I catch emotions. But by that time Ms. Krystyna has already taken offense three times.
me
So your empathy comes later?
brain
Yes. But when it does arrive, it's real. She just won't live to see it.
🔒 Bonus Level: Stimming Level
brain
You won't find this in any model. This is the mode where I fall into analyzing geometric figures, creating patterns… and
me
And?
brain
And drama, because it has to be called dissociation, which means not good. But this isn't ignoring or cutting off from the world — I hear every word and later remember it, only simultaneously freeze in stillness, because inside I'm assembling fractals and moving shapes. From outside it looks like emptiness, but inside I'm rotating a cube in four-dimensional space and counting axis symmetries.
✨ Moral?
In reality, the external behavior of an autistic person is not a reliable indicator of whether they are listening and processing information. They may appear fully engaged while simultaneously not retaining content, or conversely - appear absent-minded, yet carefully register every word along with its emotional context.